Good Natured Mom

We are all just walking each other home. -Ram Dass

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Panic Attack


I  can hear you crying.
You’re upset. You are locked in the bathroom stall because you want privacy.
But I’m here… can I help?
What’s going on?

Panic attack

Oh – I’m an expert at panic attacks. Come on out and let’s talk…

Look at me.
Take a breath.
Good, we lived through that moment and we are okay.
We made it to the next moment.
Do it again… breath in… and out…
Let that breath reach all through your body…right to your fingertips. Bring oxygen to every cell in your body.

This panic attack will pass. Are you all right?

Are you feeling better? Starting to? Okay, cool.

Want to wipe your face?

What thoughts are fixated in your brain, looping over and over….building and overtaking every bit of reason? You know they are just thoughts, right? They are not real…they are not events…they are not happening. You are thinking about them, but they are not real… Breathe…

Do you want to take some more deep breaths? How about if we just listen. What do you hear? The humming of the lights? The sound of feet shuffling in the hall? See, life is going on around us…notice what’s happening. Breathe

Are you ready to get going? Do you think you are going to be okay now? Do you know what to do if that panicky feeling returns?
Right…. deep breaths….focus on the rising and falling of your chest…like waves in the ocean…
Listen carefully for every sound…birds, wind, laughter, motors…all of it. Breathe

If you need me I’m right around the corner. You are going to be okay. I promise… no matter what happens, you will be fine.

Just keep breathing…


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Three Days of Us


They were good sports. They let us stay with them, invade their turf, for three full days. They were patient with us…and made us feel welcomed.

Ohhh…how good it is to see them all together…They have their own sibling language…sometimes they let us in on their secrets…but it’s always amusing…even if they don’t…

And we experienced their world,  where they live, what they do for fun, where they buy their food, where they worship…It’s all so good. So, so good.

Any chance I get to lay eyes on them…and make sure they are eating and sleeping…and brushing their teeth…

I’ll take any chance like that whenever I can get it.






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Day 25

After dinner, after the dishes are washed and put away, after the movie has been watched and we are too tired to go on… I’ll sit down and attempt to convey some sentiment… or feeling of gratitude… because it is Thanksgiving eve, after all.

It was suggested that I not write about how difficult it is to write…because I’ve done that twice already this month. But maybe something along the lines of a free association poem or story might be good. Or maybe a line or two about what it feel likes to be a guest at Thanksgiving, instead of the host.

All good ideas…but not what I’m thinking about.

So now I’m in the kitchen where its quiet(er)…this house is very quiet. Everyone is ready for bed. The feeling of fatigue is as heavy as our eyelids. We have three more days together… to say everything we need to say.  Without repeating our stories. (I’m the one who repeats the stories…the rest of them have interesting, ever changing lives… or they have lots of secrets they are now willing to share). Three days will be enough for them. It’s not nearly enough time for me.

But for now, we will just be still. And we will think about sleep. And be grateful for this lovely, warm house filled with some other families’ memories. We will head up the stairs and tuck into bed.  Someone else’s bed. And be thankful for this time and place. bloodmoon ecclipse 09272015

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Recovery and Restlessness

My triathlon racing season ended in mid August. I was done, done done.  After a full year of training, with only a short, two week break I was ready to give it a rest. A good, long rest. I needed to stop thinking about how I was going to fit in long work outs around my job and household responsibilities. I needed to be able to eat without thinking about how it was going to affect my running. And I needed to get the chronic ache out of my bones. I was tired. Mind, body and soul.

Here’s the thing about triathlon… I realize it is my choice, and an amazing privilege to be able to afford this sport and to have a strong enough will to compete. I get that I pay money to be coached so I can  be as prepared as possible on race day. That I pay for this kind of pain and suffering…it makes me humble. And I’m aware that there are plenty of people on this planet who suffer for reasons far more important than this. My complaints are nothing in comparison.

But even though I really needed a break, it took me about six weeks to settle in to the new routine. I was anxious and restless. I felt guilty about sleeping in. Like I was skipping a workout or something. I wondered if I’d lose all the fitness I’d gained. I was a little bit lost.

One night after work I came in the house and announced to my husband that I was ready to punch somebody. He told me to go out for a run.

My aim during this time off was to rest more, drink more water, give weight lifting another try, to stretch and bend the ache out of all of my joints and to gain a little weight. Doesn’t sound like much, but all were challenging.

Sleeping – at least 7 hours most nights
Water intake – 72 ounces (usually a fail, but better than before)
Strength training – two days/ week and no sloppy burpees allowed
PiYo and Yoga – core baby, core
Weight gain – didn’t happen

I think I’m ready to get back at it. I’m excited. I’m dreaming about long bike rides and half marathons. I’m planning my vacations around destination races and looking forward to giving it my best. The break in the action has done it’s job. The reset button has been pushed and I’m ready to go.

Monday, December 7. I can’t wait for you to get here.




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23 days in…

gary henderson

I’m 23 days in to the 30 day blog challenge. I’m starting to …just barely starting to understand what writing is all about; what having a blog is all about; what my thoughts are all about. Putting head space into words is difficult. I can do it when I’m running, or swimming or meditating. But after a busy day, when I finally sit down to write, there are no words to match my thoughts. Yes, I do travel with a notebook. And yes, that helps…but it’s not enough to sustain the 30 day flow of words and meaning.

There are some a-mazing bloggers who post beautiful photos and find words to match that beauty. Gorgeous. There are bloggers who have found the intersect between story telling and some x factor. I find their subjects completely captivating…even though I have no idea what they are talking about. The family and life style bloggers offer glimpses into their daily routines. They make the most simple experiences sacred…baby’s first steps, dogs and children lying in a sunbeam together, things like that. I’m not in their league.

Some evenings, I’ll sit and read through tons of  blog posts. I’ll hope that something will light a creative spark in me. Sometimes it happens. The spark may be that  clearer sense of voice that I want my writing to have. Or it might be that I have the tiniest grain of an idea or a piece of knowledge, or an experience that I think might be worth sharing. And I find the courage, through someone else’s courage, to write it down.  And to push “publish”.  Sometimes I am so freaking awed by the talented writing out there… and the writers ability to go really deep into the weeds and still manage to make sense, good sense, out of the details …The spark can be in knowing that if I stick with this, I might be a worthy writer too.

So that, my friends, is my day 23 post. Now you know all of my secrets. My creative struggles. My baby blogger issues. Let’s hope day 24 brings renewed vigor and and awesome post!


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The Love

If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don’t bother with all my belongings
Pay attention to the list

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Make sure my sister knows I love her
Make sure my mother knows the same
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name

Writer(s): Scott Yancey Avett, Timothy Seth Avett
Copyright: Ramseur Family Fold Music, Nemoivmusic, First Big Snow Publishing

Kane Family photo credits to Joy Kane, Tim Kane, Grace Mogadam